Thursday, 24 December 2009

Fiction

(crossposted from Ficly - short stories in 1024 characters)

Worth Waiting For

Mary, the last Christian lay dying.

No priest stood beside her to administer the Last Rites. No Charismatic Fundamentalist was there to condemn her to Hell. Sick of waiting for the Rapture, the last of them had committed ritual mass suicide four years ago. The Zion-Mecca World War over the last decade had cleaned out the belfrys of both of those houses of religious adherence. The Hindis and Buddists were still out there however, just getting loonier and loonier. Ah well.

Mary died.

Awestruck, she walked down the blue tunnel of light to meet her maker – the One True and Only God.

The One True and Only God sat on His throne at the end of the tunnel, observing Mary’s approach.

And so it was that Bumba, the Congo God of Vomiting arose and looked down on His newest angel.

Welcome to the afterlife!Bumba intoned, and projected a massive torrent of steaming emesis at Mary.

You were expecting Thor?”, He asked rhetorically, before repeating His Godly speciality, and not for the last time…

Sunday, 20 December 2009

Beaudy Mate! Aussie Saint at Last! Trot out the Gold Plated Chunder Buckets!


It was finally announced today that Our Very Own Blessed Dead Aussie Nun Mary MacKillop is to be officially gonged a saint after a hundred years of struggle by a bunch of Catholic Australians who apparently had nothing better to do with their time.

This was finally achieved after a second miracle was attributed to Mary's rotting remains. The miracle - that they could successfully pin a miracle on a long dead ex-penguin and get a sainthood out of it - has been voted conservatively #6 in the list of dumbest reasons for canonizing corpses.

Catholics across the continent are expected to go ape-shit crazy today while a breathless, reverent media runs big bannered stories and pretends to be hugely chuffed.

HUZZAH!

Wednesday, 16 December 2009

Gee thanks Steve. Thanks Kevin.

...

For nothing.

Applauded by the right wing Australian Christian Lobby, Communications Minister Stephen Conroy has given the green light to bringing in legislation to censor the Internet. Already dubbed the "Great Firewall of Australia" it will hopefully have a terminally rocky run through the parliament.

And anyone who actually understands the absurdity of the proposal is laughing. Here is a typical non-Australian view:


I voted for Labor at the last federal election, not a Theocracy. But Golly! Gosh! Jeepers! Shazam! ...that seems to be what we are ending up with here.

Our nanny Prime Minister Kevin-07 is a conservative Anglican, and co-nanny Conroy is a conservative Catholic. And the good people of the Australian Christian Lobby could not be much smugger about it.

"FOR GOD'S SMEGGING FUCKING SAKE - THINK OF THE CHILDREN! THEY MIGHT SEE NUDIE THINGS! AIYYYYEEE!"

...more or less sums up their brilliant arguments for filtering. Filters that will slow the net. Filters that will ban sites that shouldn't be banned including, for instance, Wikipedia Articles that might discuss banned or politically inconvenient subjects. When anyone plays the "think of the children!" card, you can be guaranteed the underlying arguments are crap.

While no sensible person would want to expose their children to the dark side of the net, this sort of filtering just doesn't work. Bad guys with minimal technical skills will still do bad things and the rest of us have to wear the collateral damage from living behind the inevitably self-bloating firewall. Just watch that blacklist grow.

Just like in the great democracy of China.

Sorry Kevin-07. I won't be voting for Kevin-10.

Friday, 27 November 2009

Always Amusing

I love the smell of blazing dickheads in the morning...

Friday, 23 October 2009

The tragedy of NASA


And so the long awaited Augustine Commission report has been released, offering its vision for NASA's future.

And what did it recommend?

Eight piss-weak alternatives to keep NASA on a shoestring - two maintaining the current funding and six with a paltry $3 billion p.a. top-up.

To achieve what?

Bugger all really. Skip the moon. Forget landing on Mars in the next thirty years. Go visit an asteroid! Do a Mars flyby! Or go check out Phobos or Deimos and do some 'exciting science' there.

By when?

Oh, going back to the moon should be a goer by 2030...

Jazus H. Fucking Rice Crispies!

In the 1960s NASA got the moon and back in less than ten years from a standing start, and now a bunch of learned bean counters say it can't be done again in under twenty!

NASA has achieved some of the greatest events in all of human history. Getting off the Earth CAN be achieved. And getting off the third rock from the sun is both inevitable and a total human necessity.

The U.S. has the financial muscle to do this. The money exists.

The elephant in the room is - of course - the U.S. military. The U.S. Department of Defense gets more money each year than NASA has been granted in its full history of 50 years - over $500 billion. Every year.

To do what?

Stuff all! Piss off middle eastern countries and rattle the sacred sabers. A colossal fucking waste of money and resources with few tangible gains.

Just 5% of the Defence budget moved to NASA would put a permanent human presence on both the moon and Mars in just a few years, doing real science and expanding human boundaries in amazing ways. Our first steps to the stars.

Or, the preferred option of gun luvin' American paranoids, keep the status quo and keep on spending trillions of dollars, beating the crap out of carefully nurtured enemies.

Carl Sagan was right. A great civilization itching to snuff itself out of existence when on the verge breaking free.

Sigh.

Friday, 16 October 2009

Suit Blight

There are times when I would like to scrape together all the world-media-owning suits (Rupert Murdoch and similar pond scum), all the copyright lawyers, all the net ignorant politicians and all the other olde worlde corporate executives and related douchebags together in front of a very large stone wall and blast the living crap out of the lot of them with a few hundred thousand bazookas.

Oh how we'd cheer.


Bugger!

The Internet is GLOBAL. Get over it!

There is no excuse for this sort of endless copyright bullshit being drooled out by stuffwits still working to a 19th Century business model.

The above example is not very important in the scheme of things, but note that it is for a smegging 21 second promo! A mighty media empire will crumble and fall if a non-US citizen should be allowed to glimpse it! No money to be made here!

AaaaAAARGH!!!!

Sigh.

Morons.

Damn. I've run out of exclamation points.



Warm up the bazookas...

Wednesday, 16 September 2009

Shameless hussy mushroom cleans up her act

WARNING! ADULT CONTENT BELOW! WARNING!


It is sad sign of the end times that even Mother Nature can have her hand diverted by the evil designs of the Prince of Darkness, Satan.

And so it came to pass that I was recently disgusted to find this filthy image on a personal blog:



But the InterWeb is a place where families and children and the faithful of God do dwell! I really think the owner of this blog needs to make the WHOLE WORLD (all 50 states of it, from sea to shining sea) AN APOLOGY! To inflict this FILTH without warning is surely a public mischief of the highest order! Unsuspecting children who fall victim are surely going to witness the steady enduring flames of HELL!

I redisplay this disgraceful image here as a public service and offer a way of atonement for the perpetrator.

Switch your image, before too many more young minds are destroyed, with THIS VERSION:




There. The cleansing love of Godly pixelation hath rendered the foul pure.

Sin averted. :-)

Another Family Friendly service by Petros!

Saturday, 5 September 2009

There is no such thing as...

1. The Easter Bunny. Thank God. (see left)
2. God, as we know Him. Thank Bunny.
3. Santa Claus. Ha. I figured that out when I was ten! No flies on me...
4. The Loch Ness Monster. Can't say the same for the Loch Ness Monster Tourist Industry.
5. Big Foot.
6. Yowies.
7. Yeti.
8. The Min Min lights.
9. Credible aliens from outer space. Oh, they are probably out there... They just aren't here.
10. A meaningful historical record in the bible. Old or New Testament.
11. Chi. (Hah?)
12. Chakras. (What? Are you kidding me?)
13. Energy from crystals (A.K.A. lumps of pretty rock).
14. Heaven.
15. Hell. (Do follow this link, and especially, play the audio recording of the real Hell about half way down the rather lengthy page. It's just great!)
16. Purgatory.
17. Limbo. How low can the Vatican go...
18. Intelligent thought in the Vatican.
19. Golden plates from which might be transcribed the Book of Mormon.
20. Catholic Saint makin' miracles.
21. Any other miracles.
22. Ghosts.
23. Spooks.
24. Apparitions.
25. Poltergeists. Just as well, since who ya gunna call?
26. Ectoplasm. Although it would be fun to play with.
27. Spirit photography.
28. Sin. (Oh, 'evil' sure exists, but 'sin' is just some shit thought up by evil holy men and attributed to a god for the calculated purpose of crowd control. It's worked for thousands of years...)
29. Miraculous appearances of Jesus Christ or the Virgin Mandy Mary on pieces of toast, rocks, hotplate grease, tree bark, clouds or steaming dog turds.
30. A 6000 year old creation of absolutely everything, starring your friends and mine, Adam and Eve as the original human screwups. Therefore, no 'original' sin, therefore, no need for a Jesus death dive into a vat of boiling suet, or whatever it was he did, to (sort of) let the faithful off the hook. Thanks for calling, JC.

There is such a thing as childhood innocence.

I hope the innocence of the cute little girl at the top of this piece survived that Easter Bunny...

Wednesday, 19 August 2009

A Petros 1K Short Story: Fred's Day



And it came to pass that the Reverend Pastor Fred Waldron Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church, died and went unto his heavenly reward.

Verily, Fred had prayed and worked hard his whole life.

“I’ve done it all, Lord. I’ve cursed and rebuked all the faggots, and the harlots, and the fag enablers, and the filth, and all the scum that infested your sacred world, Lord. And now I’m comin’ home to ye!”, Fred prayed quietly, as he ascended the golden stairway to the place of judgement.

At the top of the stair, the Lord God Almighty rested on his magnificent throne surrounded by the multitudes of angels and all the Saints.

The Lord shifted gently in his seat, causing the flowing golden chains attached to his nipple rings, to clank gently. The sequin studded thong adorning God’s Holy Nether Bits spangled brightly in Fred’s face, and lo, Fred could not avoid noticing how little it withheld from his imagination.

“Well, big boy”, God intoned, “You’ve no idea how much we have all been looking forward to this…!”

Saturday, 8 August 2009

100 Years Dead and Counting



Here she is! Australia's very own first Saint-to-be, Mary MacKillop now celebrating the completion of her first 100 years banging about in Purgatory. Praise the Lord!

Now this Saint has been a long time coming. Having to scrape up 100% guaranteed genuine post-death miracles just ain't easy. But if you are a zealous member of one of the world's greatest dying religions, you can make it happen! Even in Australia! The local Mary MacWorshippers have been at it day and night for a century, and now it is looking like all their valuable, important, hard work is about to pay off. Its a Miracle! They have got their miracles! The dead Sister finally whipped out a couple of magical cures and saved the day.

And so, it has come to pass, EVEN AS WE SPEAK, that a bunch of creaky old farts in red dresses over in Italy are slowly, carefully, importantly, crossing the last 'i's and dotting the last 't's to approve her elevation to the blessed state of Sainthood.



Any day now.

By next year at least, fer sure.

And then Pope Scary the 103rd will bestow on her the Sacred Gong, or something, and Australia will have its first saint, and there will be much rejoicing across the Catholic bits of the land.

Except for Sister Mary. She's dead, and really couldn't give a toss.


Monday, 20 July 2009

40th Anniversary - Apollo 11!

First image of landing site in 40 years courtesy of LRO
Congratulations of course, to Neil, Buzz and Michael, this being the 40th Anniversary of the first landing on the moon.

Raspberries and a cactus up the anus, to all the conspiracy fruitcakes that reckon it never happened. They are endlessly tedious and collectively have a negative brain cell count. The day Buzz punched one in the face (the jerk sprang out at Buzz and called him a liar, a thief and a cheat) was a great day for Truth, Justice, and the American Way! :-)

I do have a 40 year old grudge with Neil though.

He was so hyped up after landing that he insisted on skipping a three hour rest break scheduled for before the moonwalk. NASA caved and he and Buzz went out early. And I missed seeing the whole thing, as I was stuck in a compulsory school exam. My school refused to reschedule the exam just because of a little something happening on the Moon... It was all over before I got home. I couldn't see anything at school, as my school didn't have any televisions...

"Next time for sure!" I thought.

Nope. Al Bean buggered the Apollo 12 video camera by pointing it at the sun just after he and Pete Conrad started their moonwalk.

"Next time for sure!" I thought.

Nope. Apollo 13 never landed, but that's another story.

"Next time for sure!" I thought.

AMAZING! FINALLY! Live TV from the moon with Apollo 14! Wee...!

Thursday, 9 July 2009

You too can be great writer in the comfort of your own home...

I have learned (thanks to Phil Plait) about a really neat website where you can submit short stories. Others may read and rate your stories and you can of course read and rate others. The site is called Ficly, and its really well done. The neat thing is that a single story can be no more than 1024 characters long, so you really have to be economical in your story telling. You can also write prequels and sequels to your own or other's stories.

I have submitted two stories so far.

The most recent, starring everyone's favourite fundie bigot, Fred Phelps is called Fred's Day and was up for about a minute before someone read and rated it. Wee.

If you like writing at all, give it a go...

Saturday, 27 June 2009

Sri Lanka mystic reveals an answer to our problems

The Sri Lankan government has arrested a popular astrologer who predicted that the country's president would be ejected from office.

It's hard to pick the greater moron - the astrologer or the government genius who ordered the arrest. Probably the astrologer. He should have known better than to point the bone at a powerful figure in a country well mired in poverty and superstitious crap.

Still...

...it does give one an idea...

Ahem. I shall call forth my previously well shaded psychic astrological powers once endowed upon me by the venerated Gnostrell Earth Goddess of Foon, and confidently predict that out present Nanny Prime Minister Kevin '07 Rudd will be STABBED TO DEATH by every single member of the present Labor Caucus on or before the next Ides of March.

I mean, how much can they (or us) put up with? I am a long time Labor voter, but I am a little tired of all the self serving knee-jerk Mrs Grundy puritan crap oozing from this guy. He really would be better placed running for a spot in the U.S. Congress. They like that sort of thing there.

So, to get the crystal ball rolling, here's a little 100% guaranteed death spell:


... and by the magic of magick, we can sit back and watch Kevvie's inevitable doom unfold.

Aaaaaah.

Now to use my awesome skills on a Lotto ticket...

Friday, 1 May 2009

Hund-schwein!



Tee hee.

(...author undetermined, but 'Good Job!', whoever you are...)

Wednesday, 22 April 2009

Pareidolia Party #1

I love pareidolia. You skeptics out there already know what that is. For the benefit of the pre or non-skeptic, pareidolia is the human ability to recognise patterns or pictures in random information.

A really good example surfaced recently: The face of Christ in the cross-section of a Kit Kat bar. What amuses me is that this is not the usual face-of-Christ in a shadow or a toasted sandwich, but the face-of-Christ as depicted in the Turin Shroud. Here is the Kit Kat:


...and here is the Turin Shroud:



The Turin Shroud image is a photographic negative, since the Catholic/deluded believers think he looks more believeable and worshippable that way. I agree, assuming it is not Photoshop'd (Annie thinks it is), that it is a pretty good match, even is if it IS missing the blood splatters. I picked a Turin Shroud picture already tinted a nice dark brown so as to match the Kit Kat better.

Proof positive of the Divine Influence of GOD on a chokkie bar!!! Yowza!!!

...but wait...

The Shroud of Turin has been pretty conclusively debunked. It is a medieval fake.

Unless, of course, you are a credulous member of the aforementioned Catholic/deluded faith.

So, God has chosen to create the image of a forgery of the image of Jesus, in a chocolate bar. If so, he is displaying a rarely obvious sense of humour here.

Let us gaze on another recent Jesus sighting:

It would seem that The Lord is confused about what he really looked like on his brief stop-over in human history. This is a slab of concrete with an oil stain on it. Its owner managed to extract over $1500 off some religious idiot for it.

To put it another way, if God was REALLY planting happy-snaps of himself in and around our planet, you would think he would keep the image vaguely consistent. These things always have beards (the Jesus ones, not the Virgin Mary!). Beyond that the resemblances are pretty thin.


Is this yet another Jesus revealing himself in a mysterious way, or a baby in a bonnet sitting on daddy's knee?

Sheesh, people can be thick...

Tuesday, 31 March 2009

Stupid Pommie Tabloids #2

The Telegraph 28th March 2009

Dumb-ass headline: Victorian 'ghost' picked up by Google Street View
A ghostly figure dressed in Victorian clothes was filmed on Google Street View - before vanishing into thin air.
Dumb-ass journalist: Sarah Knapton




Experts have been called in to examine the Google ghoul filmed at a former Victorian docklands which has a dark and sinister past. She was captured by the Google Street View cameras in Tiger Bay, Cardiff - the scene of murders and unsolved mysteries going back 200 years.

Local medium Jane Cohen, 39, said: "Apparitions have often been caught on film but are invisible to the naked eye. But what is really strange is that she doesn't appear as a full figure - you can't see all of her."




Now, either the editorial staff of the Telegraph thinks its entire readership is completely thick between the ears (and I'm sure a good percentage of them are) or, the entire editorial staff of the Telegraph is thick between the ears. The only clue that they are not would be the quotes around the word 'ghost' in the headline.

The 'local medium' is thick between the ears by definition so I will let her off. She has no choice but to grasp at any straw thrust her way.

The journalist only needed to consult ANY of the telegraph's photographic staff to reveal this as the non-story it is.

Google Street View images are stitched together from many separate photographs from moving cameras. As the point of view is changing a little or a lot between each recording it follows that the joins will often show.

The join in this particular image is so bleeding obvious that I am amazed that the Telegraph had the gall to try and pull this off at all. Look at the posts around the 'ghost' and look at the distorted posts below the stitch line to get an idea of how different the camera placement is. Indeed it seems to me that the part of the image below the 'ghost' is made up of at least 3 images.

All in all this is the most pathetic attempt at passing nothing off as a spirit photograph that I have seen in years.

Monday, 30 March 2009

Creationism Explained #1

Creationism apologist (or not :-) ) Jim H. sent me this image after seeing my timeline History of Everything, the YEC side of which I wholeheartedly endorse.

Saith Jim H: "But...but...but...what about this? How can this not be true?"


Well Jim H., be happy, and prance with fife and timbrels, for I tell thee it IS true!

According to rarely published sacred tomes, a couple of weeks after Creation had been wrapped up and while still in the planning stages for what to do with it, the Lord decided to have a dress rehearsal for 'Riding into Jerusalem' (yet to be built, but just getting in early). A mount of suitable stature was chosen.

Alas, the test drive did not go well - the tiny brained creature wanted to walk sideways most of the time and the stench of its excrement was strong enough to drop a horse.

So the Lord smote all the dinosaurs, in his Infinite Mercy, and he spent the next few thousand years picking something else. He picked a donkey. Go figure.

If it were me, I'd have gone with the air-conditioned and palmfrond-proof PopeMobile, but hey, its His Universe.

Friday, 27 March 2009

Young Earth Creationists vs Reality

Young Earth Creationists (YECs) believe the whole world and the entire Universe was created by God less than 10,000 years ago.

Yes, you're right: barking mad.

10,000 years is somewhat less than the time it takes light to travel from the centre of our Milky Way galaxy to here. Yet astronomers can see galaxies more than 13 billion light years away.

As a silly service to truth and understanding I present an unbiased timeline history of the Universe. I leave out a few trillion events, but waddaya gunna do?

And oh, yeah: each vertical pixel below is equal to over 2 million years...



Young Earth Creationists really need to get a sense of perspective.

Quick! Fetch the Total Perspective Vortex...

Wednesday, 25 February 2009

Fluffy Corners - The Genteel Petros #1

I got a bit carried away in my last post.

Lest I come across as just a grumpy old curmudgeon without a kind word to say about anything (jeez! the truth hurts!), I promise to blog occasionally to show my soft and gooey side. My smurfy aspect.

Ikky diddle wumkins.

So, to kick off 'Fluffy Corners', here is picture I pulled off the admirable worth1000.com website, because it is so Gosh Darned Heart-warmity Cute!

Everyone go 'Awwwwww...!'


Awwwwww!

See? I can do warm and fuzzy too. Just like this little tyke...

Tuesday, 24 February 2009

It's Official - God is a murderous scumbag - Fred said so

A blessing of enlightenment from the most pious of all earthly Christians, the Reverend Fred Phelps, head of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas:

God is getting it off, creaming his jeans and rolling on the floor in hysterics, about his successful campaign to kill off Australians in the recent Victorian bushfire disaster. More than 210 and counting. All the dead Aussies: women, children, animals and pooftas hurled on an express plummet into the Lake o' Fire. Australia brought it on itself, says Fred, because of Heath Ledger (now also fashionably burning and screaming in Hell forever) and his fag promotin' film "Two words…..BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN!!!!"

So, as befits a nation of hateful non-bible-believing fag enablers, Holy and everlasting God Almighty is killing Australians every way He can. Read all about it here.

So there you have it - the Most Reverend Fred Phelps has revealed the truth. That God is a vicious, hateful, murderous, sadistic, homophobic, vile and treacherous scumbag who, I'm absolutely sure, Fred would agree should be sentenced to DEATH!

Com'on Fred - you know supreme evil when you see it! Sentence God to the DEATH He clearly deserves! Throw His holier-than-thou spook body, screaming, into an industrial meat grinder! You know you want to.

You have been calling God a hateful shit for years - so put your blame where it REALLY belongs and screw the stinking magical cock-sucker in the sky! It's only fair. You know - to follow His Holy Example...

Monday, 16 February 2009

There is nothing quite as stupid as the Pommie tabloid press

I think I should make a series out of this. Let's start with:

Stupid Pommie Tabloids #1

The Mirror 14-Feb-2009

Dumb-ass headline: The Dark Side of the Moon: 40 years after moon landing the doubts persist

Dumb-ass journalist: Dennis Ellam



It doesn't seem to matter how often and how completely this particularly stupid conspiracy theory gets torn down; it will always pop up again, pretending to be fresh and new.

Every single hoax detail the writer breathlessly reveals has been debunked countless times. Anyone with half a shred of intelligence can see that the whole conspiracy is a load of crap.

But here it is - again.


This isn't the moon, you see. It is "an elaborate mock-up in a movie studio somewhere in a remote corner of an Earthly desert."

You want proof? There's acres of it:

1. Heaps of American believe the landings were a hoax. 6% in 1979. 11% in 1999. 22% "recently"... that would be 60 million doubting yanks. "It's embarrassing now for NASA to realise that, as a four-decade anniversary approaches, a rapidly-growing body of public opinion is convinced the greatest moment was a fake." PROOF!

2. 1960's era computers were too primitive to do it. PROOF!

3. The lighting was too good. The lighting cast shadows in weird directions. PROOF!

4. No stars in the pictures. PROOF!

5. Buzz Aldrin punches a dumb-ass conspiracy theorist on the nose who is trying in shove a bible at him so he can swear on it that he is not lying about going to the moon. Buzz is clearly guilty! PROOF! (Note: Dumb-ass journalist Ellam calls the dumb-ass conspiracy theorist a "TV Reporter" BZZZT. Nope. Just a loon 'film maker' trying to falsely nail someone who actually achieved something amazing in his life. I am not a supporter of violence, but in this case it's a pity Buzz didn't actually hurt this jerk. I have seen the video and the 'reporter' deserved more than he got. It went to court when the 'film maker' sued Buzz, but the judge just as quickly threw it out again. Heh.)

6. "The most telling evidence, say the HBs (Hoax Believers), is that the Moons still there, 250,000 miles away, but we dont go there any more... Has science moved so far backwards? Or are we about to celebrate the day when it really took all of us for a ride? That small step begins to look even more mysterious than ever." PROOF! KNOCK-OUT PUNCH!

What complete drivel.

I am not going to debunk this rubbish again here as it has been done elsewhere better than I can do it. Go to: http://www.clavius.org/ or http://www.badastronomy.com/bad/tv/foxapollo.html and have a fun read.

The Mirror obviously has a very low opinion of the intelligence of its readers. There is nothing new in this story. This tired list of 'evidence' has been regurgitated endlessly for years.

I even wonder if this present story isn't just a reprint of a very old story by a lazy (probably an essential skill for an employee of the Mirror) sub-editor. It says: "But the HBs have begun to gather important allies. A former engineer who worked on the design of Apollo rockets Bill Kaysing had his doubts during the 1960s..."

"BEGUN" to gather Bill Kaysing? He was the certified loon who started this nonsense. And he was NOT an engineer.

Oh, and yes: this recently gathered important ally of the HB's died on 25th April 2005. Killed by aliens, I heard.

Good ol' Bill is making much more intelligent pronouncements these days...

Friday, 6 February 2009

COME ALL YE FAITHFUL

Not according to this bunch of cheery fundie funsters:



Go to this site and you can watch a video where Amy and LaKai and Larrell and Blair and Nyasha can tell you all about how cool it is to be an Ex-Masturbator for Christ. And you can buy the bitchin' t-shirt to show the world you are free from Satan's super sexual sin trap. Hallelujah.

As one who has long left behind silly fears about the evils of masturbation carefully implanted by the morality mafia, I find it quite sad that there are young people out there still buying into these delusions. As a teenager in the 1960's/1970's I actually learned somewhere that masturbation would give me Syphilis. Great. Combine that with a fear that my recently deceased Grandmother was possibly watching me in the bath from 'the other side' and I was a bit of a mess internally. It didn't stop me from masturbating though... :-)

Masturbation remains the safest most harmless form of sex. As Woody Allen said: "It is having sex with someone you love"... Heck, it should be openly encouraged, and 'moral' idiots such as those above should be told to pull their heads in. Public, free Masturbatoriums! Come one, come all! It would reduce teen pregnancy, sexual ignorance and phobias, the spread of AIDS and other STDs, road rage, rape, other forms of sexual violence, etc.

Maybe some more enlightened christian groups need to come out in support of this ultimate form of safe sex. They could even do a better t-shirt:



Aaah! That's better.

Thursday, 15 January 2009

Going for the record here...

To quote the 'news' pages in the Internet Movie Database (IMDb):

Hudson's Love For Steamy Photos

Kate Hudson has some good news for her male fans - she has vowed to carry on stripping off for raunchy photoshoots.

The Bride Wars actress enjoys posing for racy pictures, and is happy to shed her clothes for the cameras in the name of art.

She tells MTV.co.uk, "I love doing them and I will do more. It's fun. Also, I've come to appreciate the skill of the photographer. It's a real art. I'm very interested in that side of it.

Now count the puerile sexual adjectives in this quite short story. There are three: 'steamy', 'racy' and 'raunchy'. Usually stories of this sort get just one or two pearls out of the journalist's treasure trove of creaky clich├ęs. Three? Definitely heading for a record. Other frequent choices include 'naughty' and of course the ever popular 'saucy'.

Every single IMDb story that hints at sexuality gets the saucy, racy, steamy, naughty, raunchy treatment. You can almost hear the tittering of the spotty 13 year old boys pounding this crap out for publication.

Another nearby story refers to a possible X-rated topless scene for the new Star Trek movie. This was quickly howled down and assurances were made that NO! The film will be 'Family Friendly'...!

Oh puh-leeze. A 'topless' shot is worth an X-rating? Only in America, land of the pure.

Or is that: America, Land of the Puerile...

Thursday, 1 January 2009

Happy 'Nother Year

'Tis the daytime of the first of the new year.

We were in bed by 11.30 last night after watching three episodes of "House", and were playing an episode of the "Skeptic's Guide to the Universe" podcast rather loudly, to drown out the neighbouring party goers in all their drunken glory.

We are rather 'over' celebrating New Year as such.

Age doesn't make the passing years something one particularly wants or needs to celebrate.

The new year however, does promise to be different.

My work situation will change drastically, as everyone else in my work group has been centralised, leaving me as a little island in my organisation. This is not necessarily bad, as web development work is rather solitary anyway, but it will feel very different, not belonging to an IT group anymore. I will be stapled losely to the Admin group. They are good people so it should be OK, but I lose all my direct IT camaraderie.

Oh well.