Wednesday, 19 August 2009

A Petros 1K Short Story: Fred's Day

And it came to pass that the Reverend Pastor Fred Waldron Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church, died and went unto his heavenly reward.

Verily, Fred had prayed and worked hard his whole life.

“I’ve done it all, Lord. I’ve cursed and rebuked all the faggots, and the harlots, and the fag enablers, and the filth, and all the scum that infested your sacred world, Lord. And now I’m comin’ home to ye!”, Fred prayed quietly, as he ascended the golden stairway to the place of judgement.

At the top of the stair, the Lord God Almighty rested on his magnificent throne surrounded by the multitudes of angels and all the Saints.

The Lord shifted gently in his seat, causing the flowing golden chains attached to his nipple rings, to clank gently. The sequin studded thong adorning God’s Holy Nether Bits spangled brightly in Fred’s face, and lo, Fred could not avoid noticing how little it withheld from his imagination.

“Well, big boy”, God intoned, “You’ve no idea how much we have all been looking forward to this…!”

Saturday, 8 August 2009

100 Years Dead and Counting

Here she is! Australia's very own first Saint-to-be, Mary MacKillop now celebrating the completion of her first 100 years banging about in Purgatory. Praise the Lord!

Now this Saint has been a long time coming. Having to scrape up 100% guaranteed genuine post-death miracles just ain't easy. But if you are a zealous member of one of the world's greatest dying religions, you can make it happen! Even in Australia! The local Mary MacWorshippers have been at it day and night for a century, and now it is looking like all their valuable, important, hard work is about to pay off. Its a Miracle! They have got their miracles! The dead Sister finally whipped out a couple of magical cures and saved the day.

And so, it has come to pass, EVEN AS WE SPEAK, that a bunch of creaky old farts in red dresses over in Italy are slowly, carefully, importantly, crossing the last 'i's and dotting the last 't's to approve her elevation to the blessed state of Sainthood.

Any day now.

By next year at least, fer sure.

And then Pope Scary the 103rd will bestow on her the Sacred Gong, or something, and Australia will have its first saint, and there will be much rejoicing across the Catholic bits of the land.

Except for Sister Mary. She's dead, and really couldn't give a toss.