Friday, 19 February 2010

Websites of Woo #2: How to get stoned with Ener-chi...


Clue #1: There is no such thing as CHI.

Corollary to Clue #1: There are no such things as a CHAKRAS either.

Clue #2: The credulous love to believe in the impossible.

Another Corollary: There will always be assholes out there willing to supply the impossible to the credulous. For a price.

The purity of my logic is a tad suspect, but the above is all pretty well true. Which leads me to todays Website of Woo: The Ener-Chi Wellness Center!

Clue #3: 'Center' is spelt the American way.

Lets look at one of the life giving products the E-CWC sells shall we?


These rocks have been put through a rock tumbler to smooth them down. But they are not just any old rocks. Nosiree! These are Ener-Chi Ionized Stones! They have been 'energized, activated, and imbued with life force through a special process' that gives them amazing powers!

'By placing an Ionized Stone next to a glass of water or plate of food, the water or food becomes energized, increasing digestibility and nutrient absorption. Ionized stones can also be used effectively in conjunction with Ener-Chi Art - simply place an Ionized Stone on the corresponding area of the body while viewing an Ener-Chi Art picture.'

Ener-Chi Art is a bunch of new-age paintings straight out of the 1970's painted by the genius behind Ener-Chi - Andreas Moritz. If you can stand it, watch this clown tell you all about his Amazing Liver and Gallbladder Flush. Here is a man who loves giving himself and his credulous followers diarrhea. Don't forget to store the results in your freezer...

Back to the rocks - err - sorry, the Ener-Chi Ionized Stones. How much for these miracle workers you ask? Just USD$13.95 each! But you can't stop at just one, can you. Buy a bunch of them and lay them on your key body energy points. Your chakras will just hum with pleasure!

Lay the stones next to your food for more of that Ionizing goodness. If your food is ozone depleted, these fantastic stones will make it all better!

Hold a stone against your spine and you can balance your chakras! I always wanted to know how I could do that.

Tape a stone onto your main water pipe and it will ionize your water supply and 'make it more absorbable and energized.'

And if you thought that these stones were good, wait till you here about the MONGOLIAN HOLY STONES!

'Mongolian Holy Stones are proactive healing stones that are mined in Inner Mongolia where most of the world's Rare Earth compounds are mined. The locals call it "holy" because it heals on contact. Infrared energy at .98(+/-) microns is "holy." It is invisible and it heals. It is the energy of Life on Earth. Anions are holy. These negative ions cleanse the environment and promote the production of nitric oxide. These are natural, invisible forces that provide healing.'

These little stunners will set you back USD$20 - $40 depending on size. The bigger ones heal even better I suppose.

There are times I wish I wasn't honest.

Bullshit pedlers like Moritz thrive at the expense of the credulous idiots who believe their every utterance. But I couldn't do that to people. People who are in many cases suffering from real, life threatening conditions. Moritz is selling hope? Placebos? Possibly. It is most likely he is just cynically screwing desperate or stupid people because he can, and business is business.

For fun, have a poke around Moritz's site. It really is quite amazing.

For you poop fans out there (you know who you are), you really can't go past the Colema Board for that EZ home enema you have always dreamed about!

All you need is a toilet with plenty of space around it, a large bucket and a stand for it, a love-heart chair and a Deluxe Colema Board Kit (Includes Colema Board, tubing assembly, two disposable tips, a comfort pad, and an instructional Video DVD) for the low price of USD$279 (plus $32 shipping).

Watch the video. 8-)

1 comment:

  1. And pray that the chair doesn't slide away at a crucial or vulnerable moment.